Heavy Heart Empty Mouth

I've got a heavy heart this morning, and a mouth void of words.  It's weird when that happens, your soul is so overwhelmed with emotions, that when you attempt to put words to them but nothing is there. So I'm sitting staring at a blinking cursor and wondering...maybe this post is just healing for me, maybe it will speak to your soul too....only the Lord knows.

Lately I find myself telling hurting friends the same thing, 

"I have no words."


It's not intelligent, they aren't going to be transformed by some super spiritual epiphany I'm imparting their way with that phrase.  But I am being real.   I'm letting them know their hurts are very real, their struggle is intense, and it's burdened my soul immensely...and I've got nothing.  No wise word, no true word, no trustworthy word....I have no words.   But, my God does.  His words stands firm.  It is truth.  It is powerful, living and active and will accomplish what is sent forth to accomplish.  I can not tell you the amount of tears that have poured from my eyes in prayer on behalf of friends, family and even complete strangers.  But God does.

In my youth, I remember wondering why older Christians seemed so joy-less.  I remember looking around and thinking "I won't be like that when I'm their age....no way...to much to be joyful about just because of who my God is."

Perspective sure does change over the years doesn't it?  Grace abounds for the sinner and if we are vigilant, and keep our hearts in His word, we are grounded in truth and not consumed by lies.  We are set free as Galatians 5:1 tells us because it "was for freedom that Christ set us free."  What a marvelous truth.


I mentioned yesterday that my family is going through a trial right now.  We are in the midst of something that has already been life changing.  We may be out of the ordinary, but often as we navigate through situations in life we ask the Lord, "What do we need to learn from this? How should we be changed because of this?"

Well, one of the things the Lord has been speaking to my heart is that it is absolutely  okay to not have words in any given situation.

You know, there are enough hardships and hurts in the world without hurtful words being heaped on one another during tough situations.  Sometimes, you may think you are encouraging others, but you aren't...surely it's best to pray over every word you speak especially to the hurting. 

The accusations, the judgements, and the holier than thou comments condemning the ones in the midst of the pain are just sometimes too much.  The ones hurting often may smile and laugh, but the very last thing we need to be as believers are others full of judgements attempting to have just the perfect 'spiritual words' for a friend.

S.  T.  O.  P.

 Just be real and ask yourself, what would I want from them if the situation were reversed?  I would go so far as to say, I guarantee all we really want is prayer.  God moves, acts, provides and guides.

I know personally, when I actually confide a hurt in a friend, I just want to know they will faithfully pray.  That's all.  I've got three tried and true friends that I know put my family and I before the Lord with no judgement, no ulterior motives....they just love God and because they love God they love my family and I, and they put us at His feet.

That truth also strips me of words.  

The truth is that life is hard, there are many reasons to let go of our joy, to focus on the fallen world around us and allow that to consume us...and therefore our lives will tend to be characterized by bitterness and hurt as opposed to joy and freedom.

When we chose to abide in Christ we find this truth to be our foundation, "Your words were found and I ate them, And Your words became for me a joy and the delight of my heart; For I have been called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts." Jeremiah 15:16

See dear friends, having no words is okay...it acknowledges a God who is bigger than all of us, especially our own selves.  A God who speaks healing and truth to our souls...and meets our deepest needs...and God who speaks to our hurts where no man can.

It may seem silly, but the older I get the more purposeful I want to be with my words, and I would rather be silent than use words that destroy others.  I would rather be the one in the shadow simply praying and trusting for my friend, than up in the middle of their business and risk offending the weak and hurting.  I'd rather offer His words of life, truth and encouragement than my words of error, condemnation or judgement (if not properly checked).

Next time you have the opportunity to share in the trial of a friend, don't look for words that make you feel or look good, rather seek the Giver of all good and true words, and ask Him to communicate His love, grace and mercy through you.

Remember, we have been called by HIS name.

The Gospel in Legos

Saturday night I walked into  our six year old's bedroom to discover that at some point throughout the day there had obviously been a Lego explosion because Legos were everywhere.  I mean it was not safe to talk through that room, because stepping on a Lego embeds that Lego into your foot and causes more pain than one could ever imagine coming from a child's toy.

It was a daunting clean up, even to me, at my age.  So I can only imagine what it looked like to him.  It must have seemed insurmountable.  However, we told Sweet E, he had to clean up after his shower before he went to bed, and he had been looking forward to a sleepover with his brother all day.

So after getting his jammies on he quickly went to work on cleaning his room, he was motivated.  After about 15 minutes he began to lose steam.  He came into my room and said, "Mom I can only do half...it is crazy in there, Legos are all over."

I honestly was thankful at that point because he had been self controlled, had not thrown a fit (we are raising children here and they tend to throw fits when they are young) and just seemed pretty grown up with his comment. 

"Let me see baby" and I followed him into his room.

I was surprised, he had done a lot, well more than half and he had done a good job.  He was putting legos where they belonged and other toys in their places as well.

So I bent down and looked at his little eyes and said, "Eli...I'm going to help.  I'm going to pick up the remainder of the Legos, but you are responsible for putting away all the other toys in their spot."

He looked at me and said, "thank you Mommy."

So we began working together, and in the quietness of cleanup, I glanced at him and softly asked...

"Eli, did Mommy make this mess?"

"No, I did."

"Eli, should Mommy have to clean this up?"

"No, I should, but it is hard."

"Eli do you know what grace is?"

"Yeah it's Jesus."

"Yeah, it is son, it is Jesus Christ, living and dying and rising again to offer us forgiveness of our sins, when we do not deserve it."

"Hey Mommy, Satan needs grace.."

"Well Eli, the point is..Mommy is giving you grace right now, you do not deserve for me to clean up your crazy mess, I didn't do it, it's not my responsibility, but I'm going to help because I love you."

"Thanks Mommy, I like grace."

"Yes baby, I'm so grateful for it too, and we all need it do you know why?"

"Because we are all sinners?  Especially Satan."

"Especially us, baby....we all need it, remember God's word? 'For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.' Romans 3:23"

As I was able to sit on the floor of my baby's room and clean up legos I began to praise the Lord for His provision and grace.  He is a God who is merciful and gracious and patient.  That He would use me, a sinner in need of so much grace and forgiveness myself, in the life of a 6 year old, and grant me words to connect cleaning up legos to His provision of forgiveness of sins...which is our greatest need no matter who we are.  I am humbled.  Our God is a faithful God.

Over the course of the last 10 days or so, my family has entered into a trial.  It's not fun, it's uneasy and uncertain.  It's frustrating because we have done nothing wrong.  We are in fact the innocent ones, but it seems in our society that we are no longer innocent until proven guilty, but perhaps it is guilty until proven innocent.  It's unfortunate.  It's disheartening and it makes it very easy to lose faith in men or any man made institution.

Which is okay, because we do not place our hope in man.  Our Father, provider of all our needs, the One who met our deepest need at Calvary with His only Son, is where our hope lies.  He has provided for our deepest need, how will He not provide for this need?  Our God is good.

It's absolutely wonderful because I personally feel like a lego explosion has gone off inside of my mind.  There are tiny pieces of this mess all over the place, and it's impossible to walk through my mind without getting hurt.  Sin hurts.  It never brings relief or healing, and when it's the sin of others directed at you, it's even more hurtful.  This little lego explosion I chose to clean up that wasn't mine, is just like what's going on now.

This trial we are going through isn't the Lord's He didn't do anything, He doesn't have to deal with the mess or pick up the pieces...and yet...

  Psalm 121

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; 

From where shall my help come?

 My help comes from the Lord,  

Who made heaven and earth. 

 He will not allow your foot to slip; 

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
 The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
 The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
 The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

Friends, this is my God, in the midst of the trials and uncertainties of life, I am resting in the One who created it all.  He rules it, He reigns, He's got this.  Not because I deserve His favor or comfort, but simply because of who He is, I have trusted in Him, and my life is in His hand.

He is quietly walking into the Lego minefield of my mind, gently picking up the pieces and lovingly assuring me that He is right there with me, every piece and step of the way because of Who He is.

He whispers to my soul sweet words...truth....that can reach to the depth of the human soul as nothing else can and penetrate the worry with peace that surpasses all understanding because it comes from the Divine, Holy, Creator, Loving Father who wooed me to the cross, exposed my sin and saved me with His Son.


God speaks life:  "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13

Foam Rollers and a Veggie Tales Bible

I'm a runner.  I'm slower than most and faster than some.  I run because I love it.  It's peaceful and quiet and nothing but me, my Lord and my music.  Most runs are morning runs and I am very blessed to see the sunrise as I run.

Sometime in May, I messed my back up.  It went into crazy spasm mode and wouldn't stop.  It would ease up a bit and then I'd run...and then spasm again and ease up....a vicious cycle for a runner (well really for anyone).

I know that part of the problem was my lack of commitment to stretching post workout.  I would generally come home from a run, stretch a little and then gear up for my day of teaching our three energetic boys.

Enter the FOAM ROLLER.

Yes, that's right, and if you've rolled your muscles before when you read that you probably read it with delight.  The foam roller is amazing.  A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.  In fact, so much so that I've decided I now have "foam roller induced ADD."  Every time I walk into a room and see my roller I basically stop what I'm doing and start rolling.  It's just that helpful.

So you may be wondering what type did I get?  Did I just run to Target and grab something off the shelf?  Did I get the cheapest one? The cutest one?  How did I decide...why is it that I just can't stop rolling.  It is not the cuteness, or price, or anything else.  Rather it is the benefits of rolling that makes it nearly impossible to not do.

I should probably back up my story a bit and share that I had several friends and fellow runners suggested I start rolling.  However, my sweet best friend said, "come to my house and I will teach you.  I will watch you and see what you are doing wrong and help you learn to do it right to prevent injury."  Did I mention that I love my best friend?

So I went, and learned and tried it and now... I'm fighting foam roller ADD all day, because I've got stuff to do.  I need to accomplish things.  Seriously, I can not roll all day long..

This afternoon as I finished rolling for the 4th time today, I began to think about how the roller "calls" to me when I see it, I've been laughing at myself for days and how often I use this thing I was once so afraid of.  This crazy foam roller that once scared me and seemed overwhelming and daunting so it stayed far away from my mind now captivates a fair amount of my time.

The Lord whispered softly to my heart as I was chuckling at myself.  "Don't I beckon you like that?  My word sits, perfect, holy, pure...waiting...powerful and true...ready."

And the beauty of my God is that not only is He exactly right, why am I not more fervently seeking Him?  Why do I not have "reading the word induced ADD?"  I can walk into a room see my bible, and turn and walk out..often without thinking, 'maybe I should just sit awhile and 'roll' through some pages.'

 (yes this is the Bible I was reading...and yes it's my sons' Veggie Tales Bible...

the blessing of children and a God who pursues my heart)

But as the Lord lovingly whispered to my soul this afternoon, it was pure sweetness.   No condemnation because "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1  Rather it was the sound of the loving Father, drawing me near, answering my prayers to "restore a steadfast spirit within me" (Ps 51:10) and showing me yet again, He does make all things new, He is the Perfecter of my faith and He is the Source.  He is the Vine and the Vinedresser, who both grows and prunes for His glory.

I wonder, like my best friend, who lovingly gave of her time, to teach, assess and demonstrate how to utilize the foam roller, have you found a friend in Christ who will teach you His word, demonstrate living it out and will come along side you in love and help you assess your heart that you would be continuing to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ?

Have you found that, as good as fellowship with believers is here on earth that your Heavenly Father longs to draw you into intimacy with Him through His word, Prayer and His Holy Spirit working inside of you?  Have you relied on Him to whisper to your soul His transforming truth that penetrates to the soul for eternal transformation?

I would challenge you dear reader, next time you are seeking more of God to quiet your heart before Him and just listen.  He is there.  Right there.  Whispering to your soul, in peace and grace and without condemnation to speak life into your soul.

Can I encourage you with this dear friend, when you feel as if you are far from God or your quiet time isn't what it should be, or even if it is and consistent yet you still feel 'off'  cry out to God,  cry along with David, "Create in my a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."  Psalm 51:10.  Keep asking, keep waiting, don't give up...we have a God who does not give up on us.  He pursues us, and we need His grace to pursue Him.

Oh the fun of Chore Sticks

Last summer I was inspired by my frister (friend and sister in law) to create "chore sticks" for our boys.  We started it with the boys as an incentive to teach them that hard work really can pay off.  Literally.

Basically at our house we have three boys and they have standard chores each week such as, making their beds, picking up their room each night before bed, taking the trash out, setting the table and cleaning the basement when they mess it up.  These chores generally earn them $1 each week.

So what are chore sticks?  They are craft sticks that have chores and dollar (or in our case mostly cents) values assigned to them.

It is a way for our children to earn more than the specified allowance when they are trying to save for something special.  But it has turned into so much more than just chores.

Basically, we sat the boys down and explained that chores around the house are a family responsibility.  This house we have and all that is in it, has been entrusted to us by the Lord and so we need to be good stewards of all things, which means taking care of things and keeping them up.  We also wanted our boys to learn a valuable life lesson...that sometimes there is no limit on your income, if you want to work harder you can earn more, if you don't work at all you don't earn anything.

But then of course, we had to balance this new found source of income with grace and truth and developing a servants heart in our boys.  So, when we sat the boys down and explained that with chores sticks as an option each week, the only limit they have in terms of how much money they can earn is themselves...and yet executing chores is a vital part of keeping our home and family running smoothly, and there are times when chore sticks can be chosen and done, simply to serve one another.

To do so, you can choose a chore and just quietly do it without mentioning it to collect the amount, or it can be done and a parent can be told, so no one duplicates the chore, but with the child specifying they would not like to be paid.

For the year we've been doing them, we've tweaked many things, taught through many scriptures with regard to money management and serving others, and tithing.  We've also been extremely blessed....we have seen the Lord develop servanthood within our boys, particularly the older two.  I can't count the times, my older two have said, "no I don't want to be paid for that I just want to do it for our family."   or "I'd like to do this just to earn money to give to  the homeless or the kids we support through church."  or simply, "I want to put this in the offering at church"

We do limit how much they can do most of the time, but every once in a while, I will dump the entire container out and say...have at it boys....clean the house and there will be no limit.  Today was one of those days, I've pulled my back out and can not clean the house as I need to, and so the boys got to work.  My oldest got to the point after $6 of chores where he said he was working just to serve our family, and the others quickly followed.

So today, I was able to speak to the boys about 'bonuses' a life lesson worth learning early on.  It was neat because as I told them sometimes depending on your job you can earn a bonus, it's a little extra every now and then that is not expected but earned and today because they were all so good, so cheerful and helpful, I  gave them a 10% bonus...if they could calculate and define what 10% was.

They did, and it was fun..because at the end, again, another child said, "I'd like to give my extra 10% to the Lord...can you take it to your offering box with you Mom?"

I am blessed and for sure, it's the little things like craft sticks turned chore sticks that open the doors wide open for life lessons.  Teaching our kids about serving, working, rewards, and even a little extra math lesson (for the math nerd in me).

Yup...I'm that Mom!

I am that mom.  You all have seen her, the one with the "Mom's Taxi" bumper sticker on her minivan.  Yup, that's me.  The funny part of it is, I'm not just the taxi, because we homeschool.  So we do a lot at home.  But, I'm a little older now, and so are my kids...which means, I'm in that season of motherhood.  Marking my calendar with their events, not just mine.  Driving them and their friends not just mine.

Our Family Calendar
 

So, yesterday I woke up yesterday and it was Monday morning.

Reading.  Studying.  Running. Clean Kitchen.  Write. 

Homeschool.

Laundry.  Vacuum. Lunch. 

Homeschool some more.

Write some more.

Dinner....ahh...what's for dinner?!?!?!  Cook something random.  Eat.

I gathered a short list for the grocery store, loaded up the car...and as I was driving it hit me about 6:30, "Ahh...I can't wait for 10:00, I'm going to get to watch a new episode of Duck Dynasty."

I ran into the grocery store, to grab a few things along with a snack for my 7 year olds' ballgame on Tuesday.

Ugh, like a ton of bricks...it hit me.  It was still Monday.

Yup, one of those kinds of days.  Where so much was done and happened, by the end of it...I really felt like it has been three days.

I went to bed last night, and it was Monday night.

Even though I felt like three days had passed, in the midst of all that madness, I am blessed in this new season of motherhood. I get to cuddle up with my best friend each night and drift off to sleep listening to him snore.  I get to kiss three little boys, entrusted to my care, goodnight.  Then I get to wake up and do it all over again.  God is good!!

I'm living proof that the older we get the faster time goes.  Oh yesterday was a blessing, and busy and we accomplished much.  I am thankful for it, but I am also thankful that today is Tuesday, and however much activity today holds, I am grateful that I know Who holds today!

Hitting the Wall

Quit talking. Start doing.  

That was my personal pep talk about 8 days ago.  I've always wanted to write and felt that was something the Lord has called me to do. 

Then I waited.  I just kept finding that I couldn't find the time to write. I couldn't get myself organized enough to pick a topic.   Overall I don't feel like a lazy person, but the older I get the more the Lord refines my heart. 

That refining is totally in layers.   Amen, anyone?!?

I dare say we could not handle complete or instant refinement here on earth.  I think the depths of our sinfulness would be too much to handle all at once.  It's overwhelming layer by layer as it is.   God speaks to the condition of our hearts in Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things,  and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

So as I had prayed and asked the Lord to show me the next steps in my writing, and I sat in church one Sunday, I heard the Lord specifically call me to something that was very scary.  Daunting really, so much so I kept asking, "Are you sure Lord?" 

Oh, He was certain. 

So here I am with a writing deadline.  No publisher deadline.  Just one from the Lord.

Almost more scary than an earthly publisher, know what I mean?

So today, my amazing kiddos had earned some quiet time in their respective rooms, and I set to work.  I had begun gathering my research and jotting down an outline a few days ago.  So as I sat staring at it, and trying to articulate my first few pages...the Lord began to flood my heart with His truth.

For an hour.

That's all I had.  Then I hit a wall. 

Yup...writer's block.  Nothing.  As quickly as it came, it stopped.

So....what do you do when your kids have served their time and you have nothing left (at the moment) to write?

 Well, as a mom of a little league baseball player, I rounded up 2/3 of the kiddos and played baseball.

But in all seriousness....


What do you do....how do you handle writer's block? 

 I'd love to hear some encouraging and fresh ideas. 

 What verses do you run to?

Batman isn't real...yet...

No frilly tutus or hair bows or sparkly shoes floating around my house.  Just millions of Legos, an abundance of camo, hot wheels cars and tracks, random plastic bugs...a few squishy FAKE snakes....yeah...I'm surrounded by a houseful of boys.

The most recent trend is Super Heroes.  The boys all have a favorite.  Super Heroes are over running our house almost to the point where now I've picked my own favorite.  I'm actually starting to be partial to Wonder Woman.  My sweet boys have even given me their Wonder Woman Lego Mini figure and she resides on my desk lamp.  It's really thoughtful.

Last weekend I got some special one on one time with my middle son.  We try to carve out special time for each kid with one parent so they feel special.  We just spend time together, talking hanging out.  It's a really cool time.  Especially with my middle son.  I do not have favorites.  I don't believe that's a good or biblical thing.  My middle son is particularly quiet, so my dates with him are very special because that is when I really get to know him.

His favorite is Batman.  While walking through a store we found a Batman Fedora, and he was smitten.  It was super cute on him, but for $10, it stayed at the store.  As we talked that evening, I asked him if he knew Batman wasn't real.  He looked at me and without skipping a beat he responded..."not yet he isn't" 

I asked him what he meant, and he went on to tell me that when he grows up, he is going to become Batman.  He is going to design his own bat mobile and then build it.  Then he is going to buy land and design and a build a bat cave.

I am amazed at his imagination.  He is seven and has decided he will design and build what he needs to become Batman.   That's pretty cool!

This is one of my gifts, one of the countless blessings given to me by my God.  A unique, passionate, energetic, sensitive and creative little ball of fire wrapped up in flesh given the name Braden (though he assures me he is changing it to Bruce Wayne when he is old enough).

He doesn't know it, but the Lord spoke volumes to me in his "not yet" reply.  Braden, at seven is thinking, calculating and planning.  More than likely as he grows he won't execute his master plan to become Batman.  But his vision is there.  I'm much older than he is and yet I struggle with long term vision.  I struggle with planning my future today.

Every day the Lord uses my kids to teach me something new of who He is.

Every day, as I instruct my boys, the Lord instructs me.

"When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—
    the moon and the stars you set in place—
 what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
    human beings that you should care for them?
 Yet you made them only a little lower than God
    and crowned them with glory and honor.
You gave them charge of everything you made,
    putting all things under their authority—
 the flocks and the herds
    and all the wild animals,
 the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea,
    and everything that swims the ocean currents.

 O Lord, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!"

Psalm 8:3-9

My First Race

I ran in my first 5k this weekend.  I learned a LOT.  Depending on where you are in your fitness journey, 5k may seem overwhelming...or not really a big deal.  I honestly had no idea what to expect.  One really cool thing, I got to meet up with some cool local moms from my running club...

 

That was really cool!  They were so sweet...and encouraging.  Not every race will be as 'fun' at this one.  So, now I may have more accurate expectations of races to come!

 

So this race is the "Color Vibe" and it's all across the country from my understanding, and when we showed up to thousands of runners, I was shocked.  This race wasn't timed, and when I found that out I was so bummed.  I've been trying to get in shape for weeks because all I wanted this older body of mine to do was to run the 5k in under 30 minutes.  That may not seem like a huge deal to some, but that's what I wanted to do.  They were herding people towards the start line.  There was no order, just get in the big massive group of people and go.  So, our little group of seven started inching towards the front of the crowd.  We were able to start the race with the third group of people.  We started out and I ran at my own pace and by myself.  That is one of the things I like most about running. 

 

The solitude. 

 

Because it's never just me.  It's always the Lord and I.  To me running is a concentrated time of focus and prayer.  It's an ongoing and open conversation with God.  Sometimes it's interceding for others, sometimes it's asking for strength to make the next mile.  Whatever it is, to me it is very precious time with the Lord.  I expect to hear from God when I'm running.

 

Running for me is a bit like 'active waiting.'   I'm reading this amazing book, "Broken-Down House"

and I was reading the chapter about waiting, it reminded me so much of how the Lord uses running in my life.

 

"Waiting is more than being patient as situations and other people change.  Waiting is about understanding that you and I desperately need to change and that waiting is a powerful tool of personal change." Paul Tripp.

 

Just as the ladies in my moms running club and I showed up to thousands of runners and had to wait in a really large crowd to start our race...we had a choice how to use our wait.  While we waited we could have complained, or pushed our way to the front as if we were more important than all the other people or as we did we just waited in line, talking amongst ourselves and with other runners.  We chose to enjoy the wait.

 

Choosing to enjoy the wait is NOT easy.  It's not.  We are impatient people.  We often know what we want and when we want it (like now...or really yesterday).  But God.  He gives us time to wait.  In fact at every given moment in our lives we will be waiting for something.

 

Waiting for our child to get potty trained.  Waiting for a promotion at work.  Waiting for that publisher to decide whether they will publish a proposal.  Waiting to hear a loved one say "yes" to Jesus.  Waiting for healing.  And on and on it goes.  We will wait.

 

Why are we so surprised when we are expected to wait?  At times, we can all act as if we are too good to wait.  The Lord Jesus even waited while here on earth.  In Luke we read that He grew up, and while he was a child he willingly submitted Himself to His earthly parents.  Being fully God, He could have started His public ministry at any age...and yet He waited until the age of thirty.

 

I can not say this better than Paul Tripp, "Waiting is one of God's most powerful tools of grace.  God doesn't just give us grace for the wait.  The wait itself if a gift of grace."

 

So, this challenge is for me as much as for you, how are you using your waiting time?  Are you waiting like you do impatiently in line for food or at the return desk of a retailer...consumed with all around you inwardly complaining about how long the wait it.  Or are you waiting like at a doctors office...just wasting the time flipping through the 'magazines' of the world to 'kill' time?

 

Or is yours the 'active waiting' I mentioned earlier.   Are you using your wait-time to as we are told Jesus did.  Luke 2:52, "And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man." 

 

Here are a few things I ask God while I'm waiting in various situations

 

God...what do you want me to learn in this time frame right now?

Lord, is there someone I need to be sharing You with right now?

God, grant me eyes to see those around me the way You do!

 

I promise...you ask God questions like that, you will hear from Him.  Sometimes you will not be given step by step directions, but He will make it clear where you need to move to serve Him.

 

"Waiting means understanding that you were given life and breath for the glory of another.  Waiting gives you the opportunity to forsake the delusion of your own glory and rest in the God of awesome glory."  Paul Tripp

Embracing the Season

My oldest does his own laundry. My middle started vacuuming the house yesterday.  When I went to the doctor last week, he repeatedly called me "mature" in lieu of  "old."  To top it all off, with this past birthday, I moved up age groups...you know...with every form you fill out...when you 'check' your age group...I moved up to the next one now.  I have white hair and wrinkles.  When I run I get injured...and it sticks around.  It's not fleeting like it was in my youth.

Time flies.  People tell you that all the time. 

But no one prepares you for that moment when you look around, and see no more toddler traces.  Honestly I loved my boys when they were in the infant and toddler years.  Terrible twos did not happen at our house, all three of our boys were wonderful.  Then four came.  Four it started getting crazy.  Then five. Then six, then seven...well you get it...and each year comes with it's own unique challenges.

There are so many things I miss about their toddler years but there are also things I do not miss, like diapers, or sleepless nights.

One thing I've learned over the years of parenting is that I have to fight 'survival' mode.  The default retreat to survival mode where I just do it all so it gets done.  I think we've all been there, it's overwhelming at times being a mom.  It's hard because being a parent isn't all sunshine and roses.  Discipline, structure, and guidance aren't always smooth sailing.  In fact, rarely when you correct a toddler do you hear, "Thank you Mommy for showing me how I was wrong, I am so glad you love me enough to correct me."  

When our third son came along, our oldest was only four.   So for many years I felt in a perpetual state of survival mode.  I would go from task to task.  I would get it done, making sure all the boys had what they needed and most of the time I did everything myself.  It just went smoother that way.

What I've found when I retreat to survival mode and I just get it done, it does not help my kids.  In fact the older I get and the longer I parent, the more the Lord shows me that survival mode may as well be dubbed 'selfish mode.'  After all, I'm doing it all to make it easier on me.  Not my kids, sure it lets them shirk responsibilities...but that does absolutely nothing for them.  It is not reality.  It will not be reality.  I read this this morning:


"The grace of Christ has been given to transform me at the level of the deepest, most profound motives, thoughts, desires, purposes, perspectives, and cravings of my heart.  Christianity that does not promote a spiritually of the heart is not true biblical Christianity."  Paul Tripp.


My purposes as a believer in Christ that parents are to be in line with the way the Lord parents me.  I need to be guiding my children to see that their greatest need is for a Savior.

 I can not do that when I am in survival mode.  I can not do that when I am focused on what I don't have, what I miss (like my kids being younger), or what could be if a few changes were made.

In fact, my purposes, my perspectives and the cravings of my heart as a parent can not and will not be right and pure before God if I am not first seeking Him.

I am not promoting an apathetic approach to life.  I am echoing the words of Paul, "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am."  Phil. 4:11.

In Ecclesiastes 3:1, we read, "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven"   I'm entering a very different season of life.  Gone are the newlywed days, gone are the first time parent days.  Gone are the "first year homeschooler" days.  All those identities have washed away.  My husband and I are seasoned.  With each circumstance and in every season, we need to be content in where and what God has for us.

However, one thing must remain.  The identity of child of God. "One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord And to meditate in His temple."  Psalm 27:4

So, I'm embracing my white hairs, my wrinkles, my running injuries...my 'mature' age (according to my dr.) and I'm loving the fact that my children are learning responsibility.  The vacuum lines aren't always perfect, and sometimes the white shirt turns pink...but they are doing it themselves.  They are owning it!  They need the responsibilities and the opportunities to thrive...but the room to fail.  They need to see their weaknesses are made perfect by the LORD's strength.  They need to learn that a life of independence from man is dependence upon God.

That was a good cup

It's easy to look at a great cup of coffee and realize you've only got half of it left. I'll be honest when I realize it's half gone...sometimes I slow down....I try to savor it.  I really enjoy coffee, so it's really easy for me to drink a cup in a matter of minutes...sometimes without paying attention I pick it up to take a sip and it's gone.   All.  Too.  Fast.

In our society, no one wants to be 'negative Nancy' but let's face it,  we can all fall into that negative thought pattern at one time or another.

I don't think I'm alone in admitting there are days I wonder if my kids are missing something amazing by being homeschooled.
 
There, I said it.

It's true...I think most parents who homeschool at one point in their journey will wonder..."Am I really doing the best thing for them? Will they turn out okay? What if they don't turn out as smart as I think they are..." On and on the questions will roll through your mind.

Funny thing about our minds....they are battlefields. Really. There's a war going on inside each one of us, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. A little over a year ago a dear friend recommended a book , "Teddy's Button." The book is wonderful, the boys really enjoyed it they never wanted me to put it down, and to be honest...it spoke powerfully to my heart. A simple children's book.  It very realistically and simplistically presents the warfare we face as believers.  The war against ourselves.

Over the years I've learned it's better to acknowledge the battle rather than ignore it and hope it just goes away.

God tells us, "For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds."
  2 Corinthians 10:3-4

I think one of the best comments I've read recently on the battle within is from Paul D. Tripp, "If you do not accept your ongoing struggle with sin, if you entertain the thought that your greatest problem in life exists outside of you and not inside, if you try to convince yourself that you are more righteous than you really are, you will not seek the forgiveness and righteousness that can only be found in the Lord Jesus Christ."

You see, of course I will wonder if I'm doing the right thing by my children.   I don't think I'd be a 'normal' mom if I never questioned the choices I make for my child.  Parenting is HARD!  I'm not just talking about the basics, like feeding, clothing and grooming them.  I'm talking the dailyness of teaching young boys to become men.  To become responsible yet fearless, self-controlled yet passionate....dependent upon Christ...yet independent of peers.  Yeah, being a parent it mind boggling.


I don't believe the battle is sinful.  I believe it's what we choose to do in the midst of it.   Are we actively choosing to rely on His word as truth?  Are we walking in the truth?  Remember, "I have no greater joy than to hear my children are walking in the truth."  3 John 1:4

Is it normal I will question whether or not I am doing the 'best' for my kids?  Absolutely.  That I don't think it a sin, I think that's part of parenting.   See, we aren't God.  We don't know without doubt what is best.  We do not see the future and know the outcome.

As Christ followers, we know the One who does.  Therefore, we can trust unwaveringly in His plan and His faithfulness to His children.  "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."  Proverbs 19:21

I remember well, dropping my oldest off at K5.  Thinking private school would be a sacrifice, but it would be worth it.  Four years later, two weeks in....I am thinking, wow homeschool is a sacrifice, but it is worth it.

God changes us...through time, through circumstances...but most effectively and powerfully through His word.  It's living and active...and waiting.  Chances are you've got a copy available at your fingertips if you can access the internet.  I encourage you...open it up, ask God for fresh eyes to see....and a pure heart to receive.  Undoubtedly God will change your life.

So living in the battle no longer becomes seeing the coffee cup as half empty, but rather choosing joy in the midst of the empty cup.  Finding thankfulness for the ability to have and drink the cup rather than grumbling at how fast it went.

Following the Call, four years later..

How did we even get here?   I mean I remember the first day of first grade for my oldest and here we are.  Year FOUR.  Day one.

Honestly that's hard to wrap my mind around.  I can't believe  I am starting our fourth year of homeschooling.  I remember year one day one.  The emotions I had on that day were nothing compared what is racing around my head today.

Today I begin a year where I will teach nine subjects at 4th grade level, eight subjects at 2nd grade level, and four or five to a kindergartener.

Overwhelmed may be a slight  understatement.

But, experience has taught me, that my God uses homeschooling in our family's life to refine each of us.  At the end of year one, I wasn't even sure what my oldest had learned...but one thing for certain was....God has worked a great deal of sin out of my life.  The selfishness and 'time-hoarding' tendencies I had, just to name two.

It's all about motivation.

What motivates you?   You see, K5 for my oldest....he attended private school.  Because I didn't want to homeschool him with a 2 year old and infant at home.  Even though God had called me to do it.  I really felt it would be best for him to go to a private Christian school.  My motivation was taking the easy way.  I honestly had no idea how I could handle homeschooling.   That was my problem.  It's not my responsibility to 'handle' it.  It's my responsibility to trust.   Over and over again.


Then, halfway through the year the Lord worked out circumstances, bringing a career change for my husband that took away our ability to pay for private school.  It was clear.  The Lord said "Homeschool, my child" and that was going to be our route no matter what.

I remember even telling my best friend, "If I am not homeschooling in the fall, I am walking in disobedience to the call of God on my life...and I need you to call me on it!"  

I needed accountability.  I needed prayer.  I needed to trust.

"Faithful is HE who calls you, HE will also bring it to pass."  1 Thessalonians 5:24.

Faithfully God was calling me to homeschool, and I am so thankful He did not just change His mind.  He was patient with me, even when I put our oldest in school.  And it was a good school.  He had a great experience and an amazing teacher.  Private or public school just isn't what the Lord has called our family to during this season.

That means, I have to teach.   Not out of obligation, but out of gratitude.  Gratitude to a God, a loving Father, who saw my intense need for a Savior.  Who knew left to myself I would not obey, left to myself would not choose His way...and so He sent Christ, and then didn't stop there, but gave me (and all believers) the gift of the Holy Spirit to allow us to follow Christ, and give us the strength to do the right thing.

So, year four, day one.   It begins.

Following God on a journey He ordained for our family, even before our family walked on day on this earth.

Remember dear friend, it's not the works God is so concerned with, it's the motivation....ask Him for a pure heart (Psalm 51:10) to do what He has called you to do...then trust.  Truly trust that the God of the universe who called you to it, will walk you through it and will bless your soul by transforming you more into the image of Christ, our Savior.

And it's not just homeschooling.  Whatever it is in your life that you feel God calling you to, but you haven't acted on for whatever reason....believe me....take that step...go ahead follow Him.  The lessons you will learn are worth the risks...whatever they may be...God wants to speak powerfully to your heart through His word, and He wants to transform your heart and life for His glory....

Choosing to be Satisfied

So, last week we decided to sign our oldest up for a local sports camp.  He's been asking to play sports for  awhile, and we thought maybe a trial run at a camp would give him  a taste of what it's like before we invest and commit to a season long of a specific sport.

So, two things...this is really cool because I grew up playing basketball.  I played for over ten years, coached for three, and to be honest...my 'dream' job where I would get paid...would be to be a basketball coach.  So when he said basketball I was so thrilled.

Monday: Day One Basketball Camp.   He hates it.

Tuesday: Day Two Basketball Camp.  He hates it.  Even More.

Wednesday:  Day Three Basketball Camp.  I had to get him dressed.

See, it may seem mean, but we aren't letting him quit.  There's no reason why the camp is bad.  The coach is nice and knowledgeable.  It's physically challenging, and there is plenty of help....good ratio of coaches to players.  He just hates it.  Bottom line, he is not our most athletic kid. 

For an athletic parent...that is a lot to come to grips with.  When I first started having kids...I had these  pie in sky visions of raising my own basketball team.  Yup.  Everyone of them was going to be a stellar all star basketball player.   So, nine years later...how many play basketball in our family?  One....yeah just me.

As a mother, I feel awful.  I don't want my son to be somewhere he hates and can't wait to leave.

But, often in life, I have to be places I don't want to be, I have to finish things I don't want to...in fact sometimes the hardest part isn't finishing something I don't want to do...it's actually starting it in the first place.

So, if we let our son 'talk' his way out of something he hates...what on earth would we be teaching him?  Quit, just walk away...if it's not your thing...that's fine you can quit.   NO WAY!  

Life is hard, lessons are tough, things we don't like or enjoy are all around us.  No one willingly signs up for something they hate.  

But you just do it.

I began to wonder how the Lord looks upon us when we are going through something we "hate."  Something that perhaps we would have never signed up for, or ran the OPPOSITE direction of had we known what it was really like.

What if you would've known how hard marriage is?  Would you have said yes?

What about parenting?  Would you have been so eager to have kids had someone told you all the challenges you'd face?

I've come to conclude...I can choose frustration in the challenges I face, or I can choose satisfaction.  Listen to the word of the Lord, "Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."  Psalm 90:14

Think about the trials of marriage....from petty disagreements to times of despair.  We all have them.  It's just part of life.  Marriage is a blessing.  A tool.  Something the Lord uses to refine.   Silly us, we think marriage is for our benefit...and while it is, I've come to experience, the spiritual benefits of marriage far surpass those of the earthly realm.

Parenting.  Oh.   Honestly.....this is a CAN of worms isn't it?   I mean every time I ask my children, "Why won't you just obey?"  I can hear the Lord sweetly whispering the same to me in my areas of sin.  He is GOOD!    He uses it all.   Refining.

I can't see the benefit Joseph will reap from sticking it out at this camp.  The mother in me is torn.  I can't see the outcome.  I'm human.

My God is not!  Amen!  He sees the outcome.  He knows how it goes.  He knows what Joseph will gain from not being allowed to quit. 

Whatever the situation or circumstance...God knows the outcome.  He knows the details of the journey, and I've said it many times to myself lately...."God is not as concerned about the destination as He is about the journey."    It's the journey...whether through a dark valley or a glorious mountain top...that every step of the way He is with us (Heb 13:8) and He is our guide (Psalm 48:14).

"For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things."  Psalm 107:9

Let your soul hunger for the Lord.  He will fill it dear friend, He will abundantly satisfy the hunger of your soul!! He will overflow your cup with His goodness and grace!!!

Perfect Preparation

Sometimes the Lord speaks powerfully to our hearts about a direction or call for our lives.  I remember clearly...the Lord spoke to my heart about homeschooling our kids when our oldest wasn't even born. Around six months pregnant, I remember the Lord's peace overwhelming me about not only being a stay at home mom (though the world is often against that decision...and it could appear as a 'waste of a college degree') but specifically about being a homeschool mother.  It may seem like no big deal, I mean after all the statistics are staggering in 2007 there were approximately 1.5 million students homeschooled in the United States.

Just being honest, homeschooling is tough.  There aren't any breaks.  There's little time to regroup.  Laundry still has to get done, the house still has to get cleaned, and children need to be fed...in addition to lesson planning and teaching multiple grade levels.  By no means is it an easy task.  By no means is it an impossible task.   I can most assuredly tell you it is not impossible because of Christ alone.  "Faithful is He who calls you, and He will also bring it to pass."  1 Thes. 5:24.   God is faithful and He has called and therefore...semester by semester He brings our homeschooling journey to pass.  A call that began over eight years ago, is now coming to fruition.

Around nineteen the Lord impressed upon my heart a passion for teaching His word as real, living and active in the lives of fellow sisters in Christ.  Let me just say, while I am much older than nineteen now at each opportunities to teach, by His grace....I've willingly followed His direction.  The opportunities have varied from youth to adult.  Unfortunately though, I often feel like I fail at this because I never know where to start or what to actually do to make this call a reality.   Yet God's word is true and He is the same yesterday, today, yes and forever...so obviously that would mean that I am the one who changes.  My discipline or lack of focus..is what holds me back a lot of the time...indecisiveness, fear of failure, fear of man (or in my case...woman).

A very sweet friend once said, "I think you are type A+"   Which simply and nicely means, I'm a high strung individual.   Just like with the call to homeschool our children has been a journey...more and more the Lord is reassuring me...this call is a journey as well.  In fact, I did enroll my oldest at a local private school for a year.  The challenge to keep him home and be his sole teacher coupled with the normal developmental struggles of a five year old boy overwhelmed me, and I enrolled him in K5.  He had a great year...but just like our Lord...He had called me, and while I probably would've kept him in the school...the Lord used circumstances to change our ability to keep our son in private school.  AMAZING.  It was the Lord little by little removing obstacles to make sure I was following Him and His call. The life I've been given is to be a testimony to Jesus and His redemptive work in it.

Just like the Lord and His calling on my life.  Over and over again I am reminded that the Lord called Moses, and he didn't just sit there.  Moses took action.  The Lord called Joseph, and Joseph took action.  Over and over again, the Lord calls His people....and they (we) mustn't be idle.  We must respond with open, willing and eager hearts.  We must be a people of action.

I am head over heals in love with this passage from Exodus 23:29-30

              "I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you.  Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and possess the land."

This is the Lord's promise to us....it shows His delicate care, His involvement in every detail, His thoughtful preparation of our future and His perfect use of our past.

His call may be evident, the fulfillment of it may be little by little.  There are enemies we fight aren't even of the flesh (2 cor 10).  God is going before us, He is running our enemies far from us. I am not suggesting we will never fight.  I am not suggesting the path will be smooth sailing.  I am confident by His word, that God goes before us, and little by little makes the path for us the will bring Him the most glory.  He gives us a call, He fulfills His purpose so that our lives are a true testimony to Christ Jesus.   ("And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony"...Revelation 12:11).

As we faithfully seek God in His word and live our lives fulfilling His call, giving glory to God through Jesus Christ...I am confident that God Himself calls us to submission, seeking and serving.  We must submit our lives to His call, seek Him in His word and serve Him in the call He has given us with all our hearts, minds and souls...and with our strength.  Which indicates we must be active!  We must actively pursue making His call a reality in our lives to give glory to God in our testimony!  Defeating the enemy and seeing lost souls come to Jesus.

I pray this word from Exodus blesses your soul, no matter where you are in your journey with our God.  I pray you see the Lord using your past and your present circumstances and experiences to prepare you bit by bit for your future. 

God doesn't stick us in the midst of a situation that He has not perfectly prepared just for us.  Look how lovingly He drove out the enemy for His children.   Not all at once, He didn't want a new enemy (the wild beast) to rise up and overtake His children.  He did it a little at a time, He kept them in a land where they were able to grow and increase before delivering them into the promised land.  Perhaps the last decade has been a place the Lord has been growing me and increasing me...or rather should I say, decreasing me and increasing Him in me...that the promised land He is taking me to will bring Him glory.

Finding joy while waiting on God

Isn't it easy to get caught up in "I" and "me" and "my"  Often times, we think just because we've been called to something and it isn't happening right now...then maybe we are failing...or maybe we misunderstood the Lord.  While seeking God in prayer and asking for clear direction are always good ideas, over the years I've learned, sometimes it's wise to just wait.

UGH!  Isn't that FOUR letter word in our current culture?  Wait.  For what?  I mean why can't we just have what we want now?

I keep thinking about God's calling on my life....I feel strongly within my soul that the Lord has called me to teach and encourage women in the body of Christ with His word.  I felt that calling at age 19, when the Lord spoke to me in the quietness of a solitary retreat...just Him and I for a few days!  It was great!  But, over the years...I haven't yet seen that come to fruition, (and let's just say I'm a lot older than 19).....at least to the magnitude I would have thought...

Currently the Lord, has graciously settled me into a family (Psalm 68:6) ....you see I have a tendency to be somewhat of a loner.  I like quiet time and I enjoy just sitting and reading God's word or running or cleaning.  Funny how the Lord created us for community and I enjoy solitude so much.  Which means it is absolutely not natural for me to just want to hang out with people.  Over the years the Lord has done a tremendous work in my heart, having alone time is important to be still before God, but should never become an idol.    I love how over the years the Lord has blessed me with friends and family who love Him and will speak truth into my life.  Even though relationships are a tremendous amount of work, especially if they are going to be biblical in purpose and spur one another onward in Christian growth....as Proverbs 18:1 says, "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire he breaks out against all sound judgement"  It is not wise to walk 'alone' all the time.  Again, the Lord has graciously created us for community..and then met that need that He created by giving us the family of God.

And over and over again, I have a battle I face.  In the eyes of our world I am a "stay at home mom."  I have no other title and the general idea of all I actually do is minimized because at the end of the day...my paycheck (if I got one) would say, "$0.00"  I don't earn anything that pays the bills, I don't shoulder the financially responsibilities with my husband...I stay at home. I just raise kids, I mean after all...it's an easy task...they are just kids.  It can't be that hard, there's no pressure...they only grow up to be the future doctors who treat our medical problems, future mayors who run our cities, future presidents who lead our country.  Or maybe even, future pastors leading the lost to our Savior...or missionaries who go to the outermost and shed the gospel of light to a dark world.   As much as I could say our family has chosen to go without over the years, it would be remiss to not give glory to God in that we have ALWAYS been provided for.  God has guided our steps to be more frugal, to clip coupons...to not have our kids in countless activities...and even to go so far as to homeschool our kids.  Simply put...because God has called us to this..and, "Faithful is He who calls you, He will also bring it pass."  1 Thes. 5:24

You see, when I was 19 and heard the voice of God calling me, little did I know that that calling and passion for women in the body of Christ, might come to fruition way down the road.  This "interuption" of raising my children is now my priority.  And, my Father, who is in Heaven was not the least surprised that I am ow raising children rather then teaching women in the body His word for this season of my life.

This call isn't just for me.  If you are a mother...you are called to teach your children!  I am NOT suggesting everyone homeschool.  No way.  Let me tell you to the praise of our God...the ONLY way a parent should homeschool is if they are certain God has called them to do so.  Homeschooling is very, VERY challenging.  There are days I would just love to march my children down to our public school and drop them off.  But..

I can't.

Why?  Not because the school is horrible, not because they wouldn't learn.  None of that.  Simply put...

I homeschool because God has called me to do it.  He has spoken a word to my heart that until He says "stop" I am to homeschool our children.  He has made His will clear in this area of our lives.  Period.  So, I know exactly what He has called me to, I have to do it.  Any other action would be deliberate disobedience.  I teach my kids not to deliberately disobey...and I am no different than they are in God's eyes.

What I am saying is as a mother, particularly a believing mother, you are called to teach your children the ways of God.  His word and His truth are to be taught by you...to your children!  That is your calling as a Christian mother!

Do I feel as though I have failed because I am not a famous author or an accomplished speaker (yet)...well...honestly I used to...but God has mercifully been dealing with my heart and has reaffirmed what I've known for years, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  Eccl. 3:1.

Would I LOVE to teach other ladies what the Lord speaks to me in my heart during my private study time? Oh...absolutely...sometimes I am so thrilled with God...so humbled...so amazed at  His word and what He reveals to me that my heart is almost bursting out of my chest.  But, right now..I've gotta WAIT.  So...does that mean that God has not still called me to that?  Well, I'm not making a definitive statement on that.  Why?  Well, because God is God and I am not.  His call and my timetable don't always line up...and boy am I grateful they don't.


This morning, as I desprately needed some encouragment on the priority of mothering..I found this, so timely and such a blessing..I am sharing the link to this, and pray you will hop over to her blog and read it, it has blessed my soul!

The Everyday question of Motherhood

I am thrilled to have found this sweet sister in Christ, and look forward to being  blessed by God's word through her.


I'd encourage you to ask yourself some questions:

Am I embracing the call to be a joyful mother? (Psalm 113:9)

Can I rest in God's time?  Just because I feel His call, doesn't mean it's going to happen right now.  Deep within my heart am I truly trusting God to bring it to pass? (1 Thes 5:24)

Am I at peace with laying my life down to fulfill the call of being the mother God has called me to be?

As Christine puts it, "Will I sacrifice?"

Update..finally!

I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  So..I thought I'd jump in with both feet and give an update about our house situation, it's been a long time...and all through it the Lord was so gracious and has grown our family and showed His provision in ways we never expected.  As He often does when we take that first step of faith.  We take that first step, and He meets us there..in that moment..in that circumstance and changes us.  Maybe not in ways we wanted, liked or expected.  But in ways we EXACTLY needed.  He just does that because He is GOD!!  There is no other!

So, I sit here today..blogging...from our new home.  From start to finish this move, which began with listing our home in Greer January 1, 2011...and came to a close on June 28, 2012 when we closed on our new home.....has been intense.  It's been stretching...it's been stressful...but all through it, we've said we didn't know what the Lord was up to, but we knew...if we kept praying and asking...He would show us.

We were very very blessed to live with my in laws for two months.  It was supposed to be three weeks, and those three weeks came and went..and turned into eight.  Which was a lot.  So there is so much that happened in those eight weeks..but bottom line:  I've got amazing in-laws who truly live out a sacrificial life for Christ without regard to themselves.

As we were reading through paperwork on the new house...we saw that they started construction on this house on January 27, 2012.   I know that's a small detail....and may seem insignificant.  But I've been "waiting" a lot lately...and I think sometimes when we wait on the Lord, and it takes longer than we expect...we begin to wonder...what really is going on.  We ask ourselves and God question after question.

Did you catch that we listed our home January 1, 2011?

Yet our new home, that meets all of our needs, allows us to minister to others and is something that neither my husband or I ever thought we would be able to afford....didn't even EXIST when we first started our journey to Simpsonville.

Sometimes the destination isn't ready when you start the journey...and yet God brings you to it, and walks with you through it....graciously and lovingly He walked us through this transition.

Over and over again, the Lord brought to my mind James 1:6, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

Over and over again over the last 18 months I fought doubt.  I fought in my mind an intense quiet battle.  Sometimes crippling.  Isn't our mind a crazy place?

As I wrestled all these things in my mind, I became resolute to stick to my Lord and His word and I recited these verses to myself over and over again:

 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor 10:5

and

^" Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things"  Phil 4:8

So, although it may appear to the world, and those without Christ, our "reward" is the physical house we now live in....and to an extent it is, we treasure the Lord of love and grace, who taught us, walked with us, upheld us, encouraged us and blessed us more in our hearts than anything over the last 18 months.

So here is a photo of our home...this is all to the Lord's glory...praising Him for His goodness and grace, for His patience towards our stubborn hearts and His amazing provision!!

So...what's plan B?

So we are in the midst of a lot of changes in our home. My husband after years of prayer and lots of searching has taken a new job in a new field. He was in his previous field for 9 years, so this change wasn't flippant. We prayed together for this for at least the last four years, that I can recall. So needless to say the way all the details worked out we sincerely believed that the Lord was leading us this way.

I say "was" because he is in the second week of training and it's seriously difficult. He has exams and quizzes all the time, and he's essentially got 6 weeks to learn the material so he can take his licensing exams. He didn't start off with fantastic marks, which welcomed the doubt right into our hearts. Why is that? Why is it that we felt so confident that this career change was the Lord's will and then one discouraging incident causes us to doubt? Well, first and foremost because we are sinners, and we are confined by the sinful flesh, although set free in Christ, we all too often do not die to our flesh and allow sin to work in our members (much to our dismay).... and then also because my husband and I believe wholeheartedly in the absolute Sovereignty of God. That means without question the Lord will accomplish His will on earth as He determines it.

People keep asking us, "what is Plan B?" Well, after two weeks into this transition, God has shown Himself to us so mercifully it brings tears to my eyes to know and experience a God who is so merciful and tender with me because I know the depths of me and I am disgusting. I know my heart, and it's sinful.

See all along we thought this career path was Plan A, failing to live out, "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21. With the anxiety of not doing as well as we thought and the position of the employer being that if he does not pass the test, he will be terminated. We know that if he does not pass the test, we are in for some crazy time. But here's the thing....God is PLAN A! This career path is not plan A, and if the Lord has led us this way, and He chooses for my husband to not pass his exams, then that is the Lord's best for us, and we will take it in faith! Plan B, is our plan....for my husband to give it his all, for us to be crying out to God on our faces before Him, asking Him to keep us both from an evil unbelieving heart. A few days ago the Lord led me to begin soaking through Hebrews for awhile during my quiet time, and I have been so humbled, so encouraged and felt so loved by the power of His word.

"Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is {still} called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." Hebrews 3:12-13

So, do I want my husband to succeed and pass his exams? Well absolutely, and I want him to do this job, because I know he is passionate about many areas of it, and I know my spouse and I know this is something the Lord has gifted him to do. I believe that the Lord has led us into this, and I know that "Faithful is He who calls you, He will also bring it to pass." 1 Thes. 5:24

But God n His infinite mercy has shown me how I have fallen so greatly with an evil unbelieving heart and failed to continue to encourage my husband, my brother in Christ, daily...as long as it is called today. I am his wife, but before that I am his sister in Christ, and I must spur him onward towards holiness, and how can I do that being Nellie Negative? It's impossible, and contrary to God's word! Now I am NOT talking about any kind of positive thinking or prosperity gospel here. I am plainly saying God is showing me in His word that I am to "take captive my thoughts to the obedience of Christ," (2 cor 10:5) and "whatsoever is true, think on such things" (Phil 4:8-9) to guard my heart constantly in the Word of Christ so that as long as it is "Today" I will encourage my husband while he continues to put in the time and effort to do the very best he can, and with God's help honor the Lord in his studies...and Lord willing pass these exams. God can do anything. I believe that with all my heart, I have seen amazing things in my short life. I believe with all my heart that we will in time see God's perfect plan for this transition in our lives, and I am certain the Lord is far more concerned with my spiritual position than any other I could ever "hold."

I am however, until exam day, fervently crying out to God to give my husband the grace to pass these exams. I am choosing to believe no matter the outcome that God's will IS perfect, will be accomplished, and is the absolute best for me. I am choosing to worship and serve Him while I am waiting on Him, that His name is magnified in this life!

Everywhere I look I'm seeing attacks on marriages, especially within the church. When I say church, I'm not saying a building, but rather I'm going back to the early days where the church was the local body of believers. So..if you look around at the body of believers you are associated with, it's safe to say there is an attack on marriages today. I have had the immense privilege of crying out to God for friends' marriages and marriages within my extended family along with my own marriage. What is so tough to me, is the idea that we can pick and choose from the scriptures what we will apply to our lives to live out, and what we will just leave by the wayside so as not to be changed by the living and active word of God (Heb 4:12). As I say that, I am very very well aware of my own sinfulness..and ever so thankful for a God who in His kindness leads me to repentance...and Who daily pursues my heart and holds me to the standard of Christ and not the standard of men, and sees me through the redeeming blood of a PERFECT Savior!!

Reading God's words in Matthew 19, it clearly states that Moses granted that men could get a certificate of divorce because of their hardness of heart! God's word says, "they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Matthew 19:6. For some those are harsh words because their marriage is riddled with trouble. Maybe you think your spouse is mean to you, maybe you think you made a mistake...maybe your spouse has changed...maybe your spouse is struggling with an addiction...or here's an eye opening thought...maybe you are struggling with pride and self-centeredness and not willing to open your heart to the Lord to allow Him to show you where you need to change and where you are at fault in your marriage.

Early on in my marriage I read a quote by Kay Warren, "Marriage isn't meant to make you happy it's meant to make you Holy." I do not know why that quote was so eye opening to me, because God's desire if for us to be holy even as He is holy, and most certainly the Creator of the universe can use any and everything to make us holy. But at that point in my marriage it was...that was a huge turning point for me...a day of self examination. I knew I wasn't perfect and I knew I seriously needed the Lord to change me and mold my heart to be the helpmate that Micah needs. God has been so gracious in growing our marriage since 2002 (when we began this journey). Some months have definitely been more fun than others, but overall..I completely trust God's sovereignty in pairing me with my spouse. Trusting that erases the doubts of what if I made a mistake? They are no longer valid doubts to even be entertained...but rather sinful thoughts of distrust in God's complete and utter Sovereignty. The Lord allowed me to have this view of marriage after bringing healing and restoration to our marriage early on, my commitment in this marriage is not to my spouse..in fact it has little if nothing to do with him, but rather has everything to do with my faith and trust in God and my commitment to Him. I trust God. It's that simple. My "choice" of a spouse was written even before my days came to be..Psalm 139:16

God is so graciously teaching me be it in my marriage, or doubt or sinful distractions...that in whatever He desires to draw me to Himself, He desires for me to pursue Him in His word and in prayer, and He desires to create in me a pure heart that I may be holy even as He is holy (Psalm 51:10, , Mathew 6:33, 1 Peter 1:16)

Ladies God's desire for us is clear...that we would be in a right relationship with Him, which He alone can do and has done if you call upon the Name of Jesus as Savior you have unlimited access to God the Father to beseech Him on behalf of your marriage and the marriages throughout this world...beg the Lord to pour out His mercy upon marriage...not because of anything we have done but solely because of His great compassion (Daniel 9:18-19). As the Lord brings friends to your mind throughout the day, briefly pray and ask God to strengthen their marriage. Pray for your family for your loved ones, for those within the walls of your church...ask God for revival in marriage. That believers would rise up and accept the Word of God for what it is, the Final Authority, and that as believers we would take seriously each and every word.

We are so incredibly blessed to have God's word WRITTEN! It is written in several versions and formats, we even have it on Cd's now so we can listen to it all day if we wanted! It is truly amazing the blessings we have because the Lord has allowed them, and yet we fail to take advantage of what God has given us. We fail to beseech the Lord so often in prayer. God is so clear, pray without ceasing 1 Thes. 5:17.

Be a woman of the word and a woman of prayer...ladies do not fall into the temptation of world and become a weak woman who is led astray by every temptation being weighed down by sins (For among them are those who enter into the households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins... 2 Timothy 3:6a) Pray! Pray that we would not fall into temptation, but the we would be fervent in our desire for God! Pray that God would captivate our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Pray for your sisters, your friends, your parents...your neighbors...pray...whoever and whatever...just pray!

As I reflect on the importance of prayer, having come from a family of unbelievers...knowing only that after I came to Christ, my paternal grandfather and grandmother were the only two believers in my family...I know that God's hand was upon me since birth as He ordained the day of my salvation, but that as my grandmother cried out to God daily for both my sister and I, I can only imagine how sweet and persistent her prayers were as my sister and I were in the midst of an unbelieving "dysfunctional" home! And I'm thankful that the Lord has allowed me the privilege of knowing that my grandma prayed for me! What an immense blessing. I think the foundations of a marriage and a friendship need to be deeply rooted in prayer that your spouse, family and friends know before asking you..that you are praying for them. That is the heart I long to have..one in a constant state of prayer not just for the family the Lord has given me, but for the precious sisters in Christ the Lord allows me to call friends and family, that they would know I will in a heartbeat lay them before the throne of grace and seek our God on their behalf!

I recall as Moses cried out to the Lord, "I pray You, show me Your glory!" Ex. 33:18 Ladies lay your equests before the throne of grace and pray that the Lord would show us His glory in bringing His healing and restoration to homes across our world!!